Navigating Differences in Everyday Life
In every relationship, there are bound to be differences in how people approach and execute everyday tasks. These differences can range from trivial matters to more significant issues, but they can all play a role in shaping the dynamic between individuals.
A Minor Sticking Point
One example of this is how my husband parks the car. For years, his habit of parking at an angle and sometimes overlapping the lines in parking lots has been a pet peeve of mine. For one thing, parking straight and squarely within the lines makes it less likely that our car door will get dinged, and it is more likely that even if someone parks poorly, I can still open it.
Just last week, an inconsiderate driver parked so close to my car that I couldn't squeeze in the narrow space between our cars, and I had to climb in from the passenger side (not easy with bucket seats and a gear shift console in between). Although I felt this person should suffer some consequences for this display of parking lot entitlement, I merely drove off without so much as a nasty note or scratch.
The Measure of a Man
On a deeper level, I suspect the parking thing is just primal. If my man doesn't have the skill sets to navigate between two lines in a parking lot, how useful would he be, say, in a zombie apocalypse? That's my ultimate yardstick.
In every horror or monster movie, some people die in the first 5 minutes. They fall immediately, their foot entwined in a twig, and they can't get back up. They flee when they should freeze. They yell when they should be silent. And they leave a protected cabin to go outside in the dark woods, where all the hungry monsters are.
On the other hand, some people make it to the end of the movie. Those people can make a lethal weapon from the stuff in a broom closet, figure out which way to go in an underground tunnel with no light and keep their cool as they decipher the code to the safe room to escape the screeching aliens with wood chipper mouths.
Unrealistic Expectations and Self-Reflection
I know this is a fantasy. If I were to list the relationship requirements for the perfect spouse (which my husband is, by the way), I would not list "Hollywood stuntman." So, when I know this irrational thing is coming up for me, I can self-regulate and return to reality. I know of no studies that correlate the ability to park with ultimate survival skills.
But the truth is, my husband can park perfectly well—when he wants to - or when I insist. And so, here's the rub: for years, my thought process was like this – he can - but he won't – so he doesn't care. Even though all the evidence is to the contrary, that my husband does in fact care about me in every way, when he parks on an angle, that truth momentarily disappears and, in its place, I’m sitting with an unjustifiable judgement. A story I make up.
A Perspective on Perfectionism and Preferences
Recently, I took a personality assessment and discovered that one of my highest ratings was on something called "Stickler," which signifies perfectionistic tendencies. As someone who can’t pass by a crooked picture without straightening it, who writes with justified margins, and who has a particular penchant for equidistance, this was no surprise.
But in contrast, “Stickler” was the lowest rating for my husband. We are on opposite ends of the stick. It's simply not worth his attention to focus on parking as a task. This revelation made me reflect on my annoyance with his parking habits and how it reflects my perfectionistic nature rather than a universal truth. Here’s the test – is it a fact or an opinion? The sky is blue is a fact; the sky is pretty is an opinion.
Not every spouse would be upset by how their partner parks, indicating that it's more about individual preferences and personality traits than an objective standard of behavior. Because if it is not universally true, then it's just my subjective perception, which I must own. And I can stay attached to it (and continue getting annoyed) or choose something else - like unhooking myself completely from how my husband parks the car because it's not about me whatsoever. Even more importantly, it's massively trivial!
Finding the Balance
The Torah portion Pekudei continues to detail the precise and exacting requirements for building the Mishkan, the sacred tabernacle. The meticulous instructions leave no room for interpretation or deviation, emphasizing the importance of attention to detail and adherence to specific guidelines. This is a valuable lesson in knowing when to be a stickler and when to be more flexible in life.
In marriage, as in other relationships, there are times when being a stickler for perfection is necessary, such as in matters of trust, communication, and respect. However, there are also instances where it's essential to let things slide and focus on the bigger picture, understanding that differences in approach and preferences are a natural part of any partnership.
Knowing When to Be What
It's all about finding the right balance between holding onto your principles and being willing to compromise for the sake of harmony and understanding. My husband is a total stickler in matters of his law practice, noticing pain in someone’s face and gently offering to help, or finding the perfect birthday present and ensuring it's delivered on time. The important stuff.
Navigating differences requires effective communication, compromise, and understanding. It's important for individuals in a relationship to acknowledge and respect each other's perspectives, even if they differ. We can cultivate a more harmonious and fulfilling relationship based on mutual respect, love, and understanding by embracing our unique qualities and learning when to be a stickler and when to let it slide.
Internalize and Actualize:
Explore the concept of being a "stickler" in relationships. In what areas of your life do you believe it is essential to uphold strict standards or expectations, and where do you think flexibility and compromise are more valuable? How can finding the right balance between these two approaches improve your relationships?
Reflect on when you realized your annoyance or frustration with a partner's behavior was more about your personal preferences or insecurities than any objective truth. What did this realization teach you about yourself and your relationship dynamics?
Reflect on when you realized your annoyance or frustration with a partner's behavior was more about your personal preferences or insecurities than any objective truth. What did this realization teach you about yourself and your relationship dynamics?
Kommentare